I am not in the least embarrassed to admit that I was a bit of a late-starter when it came to matters of love (no........don't worry......it's not 'that' sort of perfect moment!). My character lends itself more to being a great friend, than a great anything else. Not for a second do I consider this a flaw; far from it. I have some of the best and most precious friendships a man could possibly have as a result of it. What it does mean however is that my relationships tend to be of a stealth, where-did-that-come-from-I-didn't-even-know-I-felt-this-way-but-by-gum-I-do nature. They start off as friends, and it comes on so slowly that when the penny (not nearly enough to describe it......let's go with Berlin Wall (quite apt considering this story!)....) drops, it drops so obviously; and you just can't pinpoint the time when you left 'friends' far behind.
In 1993, I was in my first year at University; living in halls. By the time Winter was slowly turning into Spring, I had found my stride, and was very much enjoying the freedom that came with being away from Mum and Dad. Susanne was a foreign (German) student who was studying there for two terms. She understandably knocked about with the 'foreign clique', but for some reason it was a clique to which I got honorary membership (I forget exactly how I managed it, but I think my old friend badminton may have been involved). I distinctly recall the first time I talked to her; she broke the record for 'the fastest person to tell you that she had a boyfriend' by managing it in less than ten seconds! He - Thomas - was back in Germany. The amazing thing was that, of the 'foreign contingent', I talked to her the least! She was very nice, but more than that I couldn't have told you..........
Now in order to relate this story, I have to mention someone else; Juliet Smith. She was tall, with red hair, and was a PhD student (seven years older than me) who acted as our 'hall monitor'. I had the hots for her. During the course of the first term and a bit of that first year, I proceeded to make an arse of myself under the irrationally irrational notion that I could win her affections. You will not be surprised to hear that I was wrong in that notion. It took me some time - and many failed attempts (toowhit?) to woo - to admit this to myself (regardless of how loudly my friends were YELLING it into my ear). Whatever it was I was feeling, it wasn't the foundations on which to build a relationship. When this particular Berlin Wall dropped, it hit me very hard. All the imaginings and fantasies of what we could be had disintegrated, and all I was left with was......well......me.......sat in my room at 2am.
I needed to talk to someone; but weirdly enough, at 2am there never seems to be anyone around. I looked out of my window at lots of other windows staring back at me. Then, I saw one light on, one set of curtains open, and one person working late into the night; Susanne. I had nothing to lose.
Heaven only knows what she thought when there was a knock on her door, but she didn't turn me away; instead she sat and listened. No tears from me; just frustration at myself for being so stupid as to waste my time on such a foolish errand. She was exactly what I needed, and I realised that this person to whom I rarely said a sentence to, was very special.
I really don't know how it started, but we ended up with a daily - actually nightly - routine of me popping round to see her at the end of a day. Sometimes we chatted for just a few minutes, sometimes for a few hours; but every night without fail. Looking back at it now, how obvious it is to me what was happening; but at the time it seemed like the most natural and innocent thing to do. I didn't even flinch any time she mentioned her boyfriend; which would usually be a surefire indicator that I have feelings for someone. The rendezvouses (??) became a comfort blanket for us both. Although we might have talked at dinner or in the bar with her and my friends present, it was lovely to know that the last thing we would both have before going to bed, would be 'our chat'.
Embarking on a relationship was tough. Susanne was very conflicted about her relationship with Thomas back in Germany, but neither of us could - or wanted to - deny our feelings. We never talked about our future, opting to just enjoy our moments together and let what comes, come.
Two particularly well-timed moments on the horizon were Susanne's birthday (28th Feb) and the Cheltenham Gold Cup (18th March). Being an impoverished student, there wasn't a whole lot of budget available to buy presents so I had to use my imagination (it's scary in there!) to find something 'unique'. I was pretty sure that she had never had a bet on a horse race before (let alone been given one for a present) so I opted to put some money on a horse called 'Jodami'. Once I had explained to her what the hell it was I had just given her (old betting slips were like tissue-paper, not the most romantic thing in the world), she was so excited!!!
As the day of the race approached, my feelings for Susanne increased; and I cannot tell you how much I wanted that horse to win. I wanted SO much to see the sparkle in her eyes (not that they didn't sparkle on a normal day) and that smile; knowing that it was me who put them there. Despite my longings, I was also realistic about Jodami's chances; if gambling was that easy then every Tom, Dick and Adrian would be doing it. I would have been happy with a good run, and something to cheer; but maybe; just maybe....
I dimly recall praying! I know I know; these are the actions of a naive, innocent, lovestruck young man. I am very proud to admit it.
Thursday 18th March, 1993: 3:20pm...........
With about five fences to go, I remember being so relieved that he was still in with a shout; then with each stride that passed, came the dawning that he might actually win it. It was a desperate feeling which only released me from it's grip at that moment - that unbelievable moment from the last fence to the finish line - where I knew that Jodami, and Susanne, had won.
There was cheering, there was hugging, there was laughing, there were those sparkling eyes and that smile; there was us. There......right there my friends.....was the perfect moment. Time just, stood still.
Now, I would love to complete the story perfectly by saying that we lived happily ever after, got married and had beautiful children; sorry! When the time came for her to return to Germany, we both made the decision to end the romance. I loved her - proper love this time - and she did love me. I could have fought for her, but knowing how torn she would be, and the upset my actions would cause; I let her go, and it was the right choice.
We are still in touch by e-mail and birthday/Christmas cards, and I am happy to report that she did have the marriage and beautiful children; with Thomas. We are different people now, we have both moved on; but opening up the memory again (would you believe that today is the first time I have seen the race again, since that day in 1993?!!) makes me smile, and a little teary-eyed. I wonder if she ever thinks about it, or if she knows that I have never forgotten? One day I might ask her........
Incidentally, for those of you curious to know how much she won, and what she did with her winnings. It was the grand total of £17, and she took me out for the day to Newstead Abbey.....just the two of us; but that memory, is only for me.
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