First Run.......

(Training distance so far - 3 miles)
Dear reader; what follows is a faithful narrative of my train of thoughts during the first (of many) training runs, Heaton Park run, Saturday morning; 9am (5km)......
(Before the start)
"Well, here goes; I'm as prepped as I can be: ipod charged and ready, posh looking ipod holder strapped to my forearm, bright orange running shoes all aglow, energy drink in hand. Bit chilly so I am nicely wrapped up, and feeling good! I soooooo look like a runner; and it's only 5 kilometres, how hard can it be?!! This is going to be such fun. Blimey, there are loads of people here. Now then..........who looks like I can beat them.....they all look a bit too lean......hang on....she'll do......she must be in her late 60's!......well, at worst I will finish second to last when I racingly kick her arse. Christ, this is it, we're all moving towards the start line......."
(Start)
"Okee dokee, settle into a nice, regular pace; don't overdo it at the start Blaydon, this is only your first run of many so best get to the finish in one piece without injury. What a lovely way to spend a Saturday morning: fresh air, beautiful scenery.....helloooo skyyyyy.....helloooo treeeeees........hellooooo little duckies in the lake........... Hang on a second, who's that? It's little miss biddy in her 60's; she's in front of me!!! Aaaaaah bless......she's plodding along......why do I have the theme tune to 'Steptoe and Son' going through my mind when I look at her? Enough of that, time to show her that the 30 years I have on her count for something; eat my dust grandma!"
"Not panicking, but I confess I'm starting to feel a little tired. I must be at least half way by now, and that will certainly give me the motivation to finish the job. Breathing heavier, steps starting to get a little ragged. Thank God I can start to think about the finish line. Hey! There's a distance sign on the path, straining my eyes to see what it says; must be the halfway sign....so kind of the race organisers to give us all a boost by telling us we are homeward bound. Here's the sign now...."
(In The Race)
"ONE KILOMETRE????!!!!! ONE BLOODY KILOMETRE?!!! You mean, like one kilometre, with four more to go??????!! (insert swear words here....pretty much all of them). Oh help. How the hell am I going to get through this race? I want my Mummy"
(Half-way)
"OHGODOHGODOHGODOHGODOHGODOHGODIHATERUNNINGIDESPISERUNNINGEVERY
THINGHURTSWHATWASITHINKINGTODOTHISJESUSCHRISTJESUSCHRISTITHURTSANDI
WANTTODOAMARATHONWHATKINDOFTOTALLUNATICAMITOWANTTORUNTHIS
DISTANCEANDTHENDOITSEVENTIMESMOREWHENICAN'TEVENDOITONCE?"
"Okay Blaydon, focus now.....seek distraction.....look at the trees.....look at the sky......enjoy the scenery....nope.....not working......my legs hurt. Try the ipod, a bit of "Senses Working Overtime' by XTC......'1,2,3,4,5; senses working ohhhh-verrrrr-tiiiiime'....nope.......not working....my legs hurt; and I now hate XTC"
"It's no good, I'll have to walk for a bit; crap"
(4km Into The Race)
"Okay, had a bit of a walk and running again. What sort of sadistic son of a grinch puts a 500m hill, less than 2km from the finish of the run? This is true, bona fide, accept no imitation, agony. One step in front of the other, head down; keep going Blaydon. I swear the top of the hill is getting further away; wish it was, as that would mean I am actually running DOWN BLOODY HILL. Pain, pain, pain, pain, heavy breath, pain. Finally at the summit, and walking again: I can see my legs.....but I can't really feel them."
(The Home-Stretch)
"This seems like a loooong last kilometre, but I know this park; I know I am close to the finish. How long have I been running for? Take a look behind me, I'm not last; in fact there are quite a few people behind me. So tired, and running incredibly slowly; but I will not stop; not now I'm so close.... What's that music I can hear...?......oh god....it can't be...!!.....it's the bloody Steptoe and Son theme tune.....it's grandma.......passing me. I bet she has not altered her pace from start to finish; that is so impressive. I doff my cap to you, and ask forgiveness for my discrimination; here is one younger man who is now firmly put in his place. Crossing the line......reliefreliefreliefreliefreliefrelief."