The Countdown......Further Treadmill Tips (part 1)

After the trauma described in one of my earlier posts ('no thanks gym'), I am happy to report that the training so far has been without major incident (although I am extreeeemely careful to verify the stationary nature of the treadmill when stepping on it; just in case). Having said that, some words of caution are still necessary, brought on not only by my recent gym experiences but more importantly by those of my brother (henceforth to be known as 'G'), who actually trumps me for exercising calamity....and speaking of trumping......

Flatulence
This is less a warning for me, and more for everyone else. I am so so sorry if you feel I am lowering the tone (for those of you who know me, you are aware it is a level at which I am more comfortable), but a healthy diet and regular exercise is a recipe for......well......rasping bottom burps.....
Bill Bryson refers to them as 'leg-cockers' (wonder if I can refer to it without using the same phrase twice?!!). Some people let out a cheeky one while they are on the weights (all that tension and pressure has to be released somewhere), but my problem is without doubt the treadmill (FFG). From the moment I get on there, to the moment I get off, I think it's safe to say I am pretty toxic. What's worse is that I don't let rip in one long paaaaaaaaaaarp to get it over with, oh no. It tends to be one of those 'parp-pip-pap-parp' ones, in rhythm with each step I make, and it can go on for some considerable time. I confess I occasionally try and pass it off as an intermittent squeak in my running shoes, or the machine itself......but who am I trying to kid eh? Not much can be done about it sadly, but victims are usually wise to choose their machines in the middle of a radius of safety for others.

Attire
I'm telling you, there are people who go to the gym better dressed than I do when I go to work! No doubt they make sure the trainers/socks/shorts/shirt combo all coordinate. As for me, I adopt the simple fashion technique of 'whichever one is top of the pile'....works for me! My problem with gym clothing is more to do with the practical than the aesthetic, and concerns what I have discovered is the joggers nemesis........friction!!
The two major examples of trubbing rubble, are the unfortunately titled 'chub-rub' and 'joggers nipple'. The former is a chafing of the inner thighs together, which when combined with sweat - and time - rubs the skin red raw. It used to happen to me while walking long distances, but it appears that the weight I have lost has limited this excruciating phenomenon to jogging; and excruciating it certainly is! The only solutions I can think of are:

• run like an extra in Michael Jackson's 'Thriller' video
• buy some lycra-ish tight fitting shorts (not on your life)
• go for the 'oiling up' option (I will spare you all the details).

So far option number three seems to be working.

Jogger's nipple needs no further description really does it? Friction in a place you definitely don't want friction! Like the chub rub, it is fiercely painful; especially when the post-gym session shower water hits (stinggggggerrrr!). So far I am having trouble while only running 4 miles; up that to 26 and by the time I finish I am going to be de-nipped! I have actually researched it, and people have been seen finishing half marathons with two ickle, vertical streams of blood soaking through their t-shirt.....oooh.. ......nasty!! At the moment I am adopting an identical solution to the chub rub (oily woily) and it appears to be working, but as the distances increase a more tried and tested solution may be required. Possibly another figure-hugging lycra number, or good old gaffer tape (although this does present problems for a fella with a hairy chest.........aaaaah......nasty-nasty!).

(I have realised that this post is going on a bit, so it will be a split one. I know I know; how could I do this to you???! It is worth reading part two....but before I go........)

One final issue with attire is not one I have ever had to contend with. When I put on any gym gear, baggy is the way to go. Quite apart from the fact that 'figure-hugging' with a figure like mine is just not a good idea, I just feel more comfortable that way. If you insist on dressing 'tight' then there are pitfalls; one of which - befalling my brother - I alluded to in a much earlier blog, and now is the time......

Brother 'G' enjoyed going to the gym, particularly using free-weights (the dumbbell........that's the weight, not him.....although thinking about it......). On one particular 'sesh' G was wearing a particularly 'snug' pair of shorts which left little to the imagination. He went through the usual routines of bicep curls, tricep lifts, bench presses; all the things that the big beefy guys do in the gym that makes them feel SO cool. The final exercise - known as 'squats' - involves placing a barbell across the shoulders and bending at the knees as far down to the ground as possible, then pushing back up to a standing position (you are way ahead of me here aren't you??!).

It didn't take three, it didn't even take one......just a half. As G squatted (squote?) - and to quote G himself - the shorts he was wearing did not just rip, they exploded! In a split second the shorts ceased being shorts and became a mess of tattered rags, struggling to cover his modesty. Although I wasn't there in person - relieved - I imagine it to be along the lines of an Incredible Hulk-type shirt ripping (Bill Bixby, 1970's/80's; 'Mr Mcgee, don't make me angry; you wouldn't like me when I'm angry') moment; with the exception of the irony that the Hulk managed to keep his trousers on whilst losing everything else!

I confess that the image of G, mid-squat, barbell on shoulders, shorts-shrapnel littering the exercise mat still makes me laugh; but it did leave G in something of a 'situation'. The shreds were hanging loosely round his waist, and there was the distinct possibility that if he stood up he would become completely shortless; and we know what that means don't we boys and girls?!! Surprisingly, G opted to end the session right there, drop the barbell and make an escape using the technique of 'careful placement of short remains' coupled with 'pulling shirt down as far as possible'. I'm not sure if he ever ventured near a gym again!

.....and amazingly, that wasn't the most embarrassing thing that happened to him............