The Voyage Home.......

Once again made it home safe and sound after negotiating A1/M1/M6/MI5/KGB without major incident; this time making use of the M6 toll. It may be expensive for the privilege of simply driving twenty-five miles (give or take); but when the motorway matrix signs are saying things like......

"ALERT ALERT, M6 DELAYS Jn 6-10"

followed by

"OI, ARE YOU RECEIVING ME?!! I SAID, DELAYS Jn 6-10; ALRIGHT THEN, DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU"

culminating - just before junction 3a in

"LAST CHANCE YOU IGNORAMUS; DON'T COME CRYING TO ME WHEN YOU STAGGER THROUGH YOUR FRONT DOOR AT HALF TEN TONIGHT"
(does anyone remember 'L.A. Story'?....how daddy is doing?....hug me?....nope?....okay, just me then)

....it's time to dig into the wallet for a few quid and the promise of a smoother ride and  a home arrival before bedtime.

This brings me onto another of my many bugbears (am I starting to sound like a grumpy old man?......what do you mean...."starting"....?!); namely the 'TP' button which now lurks on most modern car radios. What it is supposed to do when enabled, is override whatever rubbish music you are listening to on the cd/radio (or the far from rubbish public speaking of Dave Gunson in my case) when it receives a signal for an imminent radio traffic report. In principle, it is a brilliant tool, particularly useful for a Monday and Thursday commuter like my good self.

Now, those observant people amongst you, you will notice the use, and indeed lack of use, of certain words, both of which might indicate what is coming next. 'In principle, it is a brilliant tool' means of course that in practice, it doesn't....flaming well.....work. So why is this?

Which brings me on to our very own missing-words round. Between 'imminent' and 'radio', surely there should be the word 'local'? ("yes, there should be the word 'local'; and don't call me Shirley")

Sadly, there isn't. So, what transpires is that wherever I am on the journey which spans half the country; I have my precious intros to songs like Dire Straits 'Money For Nothing' ('IIIIII Waaant my eeemmmmm teeeeeee veeeeeeeeeeee'), rudely interrupted by a lady or gent telling me all about the traffic conditions........somewhere else. Great isn't it......!

Leaving Stevenage - north of London on the A1, northbound; the radio told me that there was heavy traffic on the M25 (okay, I'll let this one go as I was pretty close)

Joining the M1 at Luton-ish - further north, northbound; the radio told me that there was heavy traffic on the.........M25 (bit further away....but okay, still understandable.....just....)

Joining the M6 at Leicester-ish, hitting traffic and slowing down to a crawl; but on a positive note the traffic problem on the M25 is clearing up (getting daft now)

Stationary on the M6 just South of Birmingham before cutting off onto the toll; matrix signs telling me to abandon all hope......and I am still being interrupted on the radio with tales of the London ring road.

A change!! Cruising - albeit slowly - through Stoke on the M6 to be told that traffic is running smoothly past Sheffield on the M1

Arriving at the Manchester ring road (M60) while being told of the traffic conditions through Stoke on the M6.

That's right; not once on the journey did I get a traffic report for the road I was actually on; hilarious really.

Still, I made it home; and it is a lesson for all to learn. If you want to know about the M6 heading through Manchester........drive to Sheffield and turn on your radio!!

.....73 days.....in case you've lost count.....!